I have been carrying a very large weight for a little over a month now and I know that you know about it and the pain that comes with the loss of someone that was supposed to be there for me whenever I needed her. This weight is something that I never wish upon anyone.
You know that mom has been in and out of my life for as long as I can remember. She lied to us and said she cared and that she would always be there for me whenever I needed her and it turns out the only times she was there for me was when I didn’t need her. She wanted to be a good mother and wanted to be the mom that everyone talks about and she got that part but in the wrong way. Everyone did talk about her, they spoke of all the ways she let her son and family down. I don’t need to sit here and tell you all the things she did because you have lived this nightmare with me.
What you don’t know is what I said to her the day before she took her life. She called me on Monday and asked if I wanted to have lunch with her and I accepted. On Tuesday you told me that social services called her and said if she didn’t see me or pay child support that she would be arrested and then I called her that night and yelled at her and told her that she shouldn’t have ever had me and that she isn’t my mom and that I never want to talk to her again. She then said that she is always going to be my mom and that she is sorry that I feel that way about the way she has treated me.
The next day Mark called while you were at work and he explained what happened and that we needed to start planning the funeral. He told me where she wanted to be put to rest, she wanted to be cremated. She wanted her assets to be sold and the money to go into my college fund.
I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I pushed her over the edge and I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. I won’t try to take the things I said back but I wish she didn’t leave me like this. I wish she could see how much I need her now and how much she has left be hide. All I wanted was for her to know how much she hurt me and that she has made a mistake but now she made an even bigger one that not only ended her life but scared mine forever. What I would give just to be able to tell her how much I love her and that she didn’t have to bring it to this kind of conclusion. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to live with. It will be a month and a half tomorrow that she has been gone. The saying “time heals everything” well it’s a saying that doesn’t apply to this event.