Killed The Fun

Discussion
Oct 27, 2014
by: laister

The bumping music and cool night breeze and starry night all combined make the best atmosphere to have a late night road trip. Donatello, Aubrey, and Godfrey were all on their way to a cabin in the mountains owned by Godfrey's parents. These impulse trips are common for this trio and problems rarely occur.

"You know dude, we should figure out something else to do than go to your parents' cabin all the time," Donatello expressed, interrupting Godfrey's thoughts.

"Don't even deny that you enjoy the cabin, man. You should be thanking me," Godfrey refuted.

"... you may be right." The two have a hearty bro-mance filled laugh about their little exchange of words.

"Would you two calm down?" Aubrey always killed the fun.

The trio continued driving down the dark road ahead when Godfrey shared his thoughts, "Is it just me or does it seem like the roads are weird tonight?"

"Well, it did rain, flood, snow a bit, and hail in the span of a week. Everything is messed up." Aubrey decided to point out the obvious.

"No, not that. I mean that there is a weird feeling on these roads, like something might happen," expressed Godfrey.

"Dude, chill out. Nothings going to happen, we're always fine on our trips." Donatello reassured Godfrey, but not so much.

The trio moved further and further and further up the road towards the cabin. But then, their car broke down. "Gosh, seriously?!" Oh, Aubrey.

"Oh wait, we're in luck. There's a tow truck driving up behind us, I'll go tell him we need help." Donatello pointed out.

"Wait, are you sure?" Aubrey looked worried.

"Yeah! Common guys, chill" Donatello got out the car. A couple minutes passed but Donatello hasn't returned yet.

"Maybe we should check up on him," Godfrey suggested. Aubrey and Godfrey get out the car and walked towards the tow truck. They take a peek inside the truck to see Donatello bloody all over. There's blood on his legs, his arms, his chest, and his head where the wound was. Donatello was struck by an ax. Before Godfrey and Aubrey knew it, they both got struck with an ax respectively and dragged away.

Comments

Dear laister : iam glad that

Submitted by spineda on Mon, 2014-11-03 15:20.

Dear laister :

iam glad that i read this short passage because it reminds me of all the elements about halloween.

One sentence you wrote that stands out for me is “The bumping music and cool night breeze and starry night all combined make the best atmosphere to have a late night road trip”i love how detailed this sentence is! its well described.

Another sentence that I came across was “Godfrey were all on their way to a cabin in the mountains owned by Godfrey's parents. These impulse trips are common for this trio and problems rarely occur.” im impressed with the way you added such good vocabulary.

Your post reminds me of my first night out on halloween, scary!

Thanks for your writing. I look forward to seeing what you write next, because your post are well scripted and i can connect to it.

Well done

Submitted by Chrispayne on Thu, 2014-12-18 14:49.

Lai, I'm really liking your story. It has some nice dialogue, descriptive details, and a good buildup of suspense. The one thing I would advise you to be careful about is your tense shifting. You used the past tense for most of the story, but right near the end you had a sentence in the present tense. It may have been a typo, but it still broke the flow of the passage. You could also have drawn out the climactic ending a little more, but other than that I loved the it. Plus, you had a really creative title. I want to see more of your writing inthe future.