Let's Just Stay in... Now
I seem to find myself in a constant state of conflict, one where I’m always losing. It’s as though the person who I am is always fighting with the person I want to be, something I’d consider to be exponentially better than what I am now. It’s been bugging me for years now and has only gotten worse, particularly after junior year.
With college, life, and the future just around the corner, I’ve been feeling rather hesitant about growing up. I often say to myself, “Once I’m out of college, I’m gonna do big things. All my dreams will come true.” But it always seems to dawn on me that what I want to do may never happen. Considering what it takes to get into college nowadays, the worlds state of recession and various beliefs of my own that I’d rather not delve into, the more I realize I’d like things to remain the way they are. If it were to stay like this, I wouldn’t have to spend my time stressing over an uncertain future and always looking for constant reassurance.
I can say that I’ve fucked up in life; my lack of care for most things and a “Hakuna Matata” sense in the air. I’ve always lived by, “if you do something, do it with dedication. Don’t regret or it’ll all be for naught.” But the more I think about the future, the more I realize the mistakes I’ve made in the past and how they jeopardize hereafter, the more I find myself wanting to regret and go back to fix those mistakes. But I can’t, and it I find myself more disappointed; in who I am for having allowed it to happen and who I want to be for having to deal with it.
“Losers live in the past. Winners learn from the past and enjoy working in the present toward the future.” -Dennis Waitley, Motivational speaker and author
I feel a good deal like the loser mentioned here. It’s often said that you’ve got to look back on the past to understand the future, or some other existential crap that philosophers spew. But, as I’ve already said, looking back on the past will only fill me with disappointment. I’d love to work towards a better future, particularly for myself, and the world as well, but knowing that not being able to do what I’d love to, to contribute in the way I believe I can, because of what’s ages old and I can no longer change only leads to that disappointment and that loser feeling.