The Weight of Words
How are you doing? I’ve been better. These last couples of months have been hard on me; but you know that. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you now. Almost a good two and a half years. How’s your baby, Trent? From the picture I’ve seen on Facebook, it looks like he’s getting big!
Anyways. Thank you for that letter you sent me back in December. Your letter on how hard your life has been. It’s such a big weight to know all of your deepest, darkest secrets. A weight; but not a bad weight. It makes me stronger, carrying it all the time. It makes me feel important.
I remember this one day; I thought it was basically the worst day of my life. I had like 3 F’s, I worked from 3:30 till 10:00pm after school, my dad almost basically kicked me out, and I was fighting with my best friend, Jazzy. I was sitting in my car. Just crying and listening to my iPod.
Then I remembered that I had your letter in my bag, because I had just gotten it a couple days before, and I hadn’t had time to put it away yet. I got it out. It was hard to take out of the off white and crinkled envelope from being stuffed in my bag so many times before. There is a small coffee spill on the top left corner of the letter and a couple drops of blood on the back of the envelope from where I had tested my blood sugar and had a couple drops roll off my car accidentally. I must have read that letter a thousand times and I always read and reread the part about you cutting yourself and how no one ever knew about it. To this day, I was still the only person you have ever told. I read about how you overcame all your problems because one of YOUR friends had written you a letter telling you how much they loved you. That’s exactly what your letter did for me.
You probably saved my life that day. For that day, I felt like I was nothing. I felt like everything I did was wrong. I felt alone and like no one wanted me in the world. But you told me I was loved. And that I still am. Now every time I have a bad day, I just take your ripped and tattered letter out of the little hideaway spot in my bag. I always fold it the same way every time, once hotdog style and twice hamburger style. I smile when I see it, and feel like crying when I read it. Somehow, it always seems to make my day better.
I’m so happy that you’re my cousin and that we kind of went through the same problems so you could help me. So you could write me letters, call me, and give me boy advice when I need it. I don’t think many people have someone that they are so close to that they can tell everything to like I tell you. You are definitely the person I look up to most. I love you from the bottom of my heart.
Two years ago, when Bubby died, it was such a burden. Not just to us, but for our whole family. She was ready to go, but we weren’t ready to let her leave. In a way, the grief was almost good for our family. None of us had been close at that point, but grandma dying let us all mourn as a family. And now all of us are pretty close, well, besides me and dad…But those are a whole other set of problems that I don’t want to get into.
Well, I have to get going to work now. But just remember; I love you. You are my closest family member and I can’t wait to see you and Trent and your new baby on the way. Thank you for saving my life and making me feel love day after day even when I feel alone. I love you.