What should I do?
I have too much pain, both physical and mental. I was in a bad accident which unfortunately condemns me to a life of back and neck problems. But I can take something for that, I can push through the pain and that will never hold me back from whatever I want to do. The mental pain is what consumes my life and wreaks havoc on my happiness. On august 12 2002 me and my family were in a car accident, we were rear ended by a swans truck who was going about 50 mph. My aunt saw him coming and pulled over to the side which made the most contact on the left side of the van. Collin and I were in the rear of the van and Collin was sitting on the very left side. The impact threw Collin against the window causing severe brain trauma and he died instantly. Before the wreck Collin and I were playing our favorite game. To see someone laughing and smiling one second and motionless and quit the next does something to you. When I watched him being pulled out of the van completely limp and not breathing snapped something inside me and it will never be healed. I have been through things I want to forget and want to never speak of, but I can’t. Because if I do I lose the memory of my friend, my brother and my buddy. People say they have so much stress and so much pressure but that’s something I can’t take, my body crumbles under the sight of stress. I met a person that in the first time in my life lets me forget my pain. She allows me to forget the only one person I ever cared about and I don’t know if I want to lose that or not. To lose my pain is to lose my memory of my friend.
She means everything to me. She has consumed my life and I love it. All I want to do is make her happy and give her the time of her life. It feels good to be with someone you truly love. I try making her happy because it makes me happy. To release all of those feelings is a huge relief. But then when I go home and truly think about it I don’t know what to do. If I lose the memory of Collin I lose the memory of my childhood. And that’s not something I want to lose. Yes there is so much pain in it but it taught me so much. The pain made the good times feel so much better. And then I think of the constant happiness and the occasional worry but no true pain, no true dark days. But for right now I just keep doing what feels right and what keeps me from feeling any pain. Like that one song, let the good times roll. And that’s all I have to do let them roll, for right now I have now pain and I know I will meet pain head on once again but let it come because Ill beat it back again, I know there is something to live for. I have slowly learned to weave through the painful memories and pluck out the happy, good memories. And if I can keep learning to do this I think I’ll be okay and I know there is always something out there to look forward to.